leigh ann

let’s get the obvious out of the way, maybe i’m just lacking motivation. maybe i’m the one holding me back. maybe i just need to sit down like i’m doing right now and write but for fiction instead.

i feel a deep itch somewhere to write to create but when it comes time to bring pen to paper or fingers to keyboard my mind seizes up something nasty and i can’t breathe.

the haters will tell you it’s just me standing in the way of me.

but i thought when i graduated and my free time opened up i’d be writing a storm. but i keep thinking of my past projects rotting away on my computer and yoyo between making sure those get out there and banging out new ideas. but all i get back are rejections and my new ideas float out of reach like bubbles on the wind.

i want to get started on my next idea for the commonwealth short story but now that i got longlisted i wonder about my ability to do just as good this time with an idea that hasn’t been created yet.

i want to start doing something with publishing but i keep stalling and circling and wanting to bang my head into the wall over and over again.

if you know me personally, yes i have been going through a lot right now. things that i won’t open up to strangers on the internet about right now. and it’s pretty reasonable to be a slump with all of that going on, or so i’ve heard.

i’ve wanted to start getting traction on this site but yet i don’t journal or post anything creative consistently. i guess here i am right now trying to change that. but i’ve started over and over so many times and am i just forcing this all or what?

you can probably say i’m afraid of failure or even afraid of success. afraid to take risks or shake things up maybe. afraid of being stagnant, a stalled car on the highway out of gas or overheating.

i’m worried if i pushed too hard and burnt myself out.

i don’t know if i believe in writer’s block or not but there’s some wall i’m actually hitting over and over again and i need to find out what it is.